woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
