i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
