I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
