Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
