I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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