She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
