And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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