Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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