hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
