I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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