Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
