i wish there were pregnant emoticons
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
