Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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