Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
