He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
