sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
