her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
