I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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