at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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