You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
