Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
