i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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