I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
