Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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