Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
