I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
