The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
