i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
