Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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