try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We got so high we made milksteak
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
