3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
