Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
