how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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