How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
