would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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