I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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