Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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