I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
