it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
