My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
