Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
