Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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