I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
