even my farts smell like vagina
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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