cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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