just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
