Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
