I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
