where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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