we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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